Another year of school has begun, and all of the deanlings and deanlets are all aflutter about the latest quasi-academic fad bloating our already engorged administrations—the administration of sexual assault. This is a cold and calculated plot by for-profit consulting firms, in league with associations of deanlets to further squeeze money from actual academic operations into the administration. There is no sexual assault crisis on college campuses. Insofar as we can, we have successfully addressed sexual assault on campus and in American society in general. Sexual assault, along with all other crimes, has declined precipitously in the last fifteen years (or longer), and as you can see above from real data (not some on-line shit poll) from the BJS, total sexual assaults declined by more than 50% in the last fifteen years. So, why all of the fuss?
Well, here at my humble university, and many across the nation, I got to see up close and personal what the deanlings and deanlets and their for-profit consultants and parasitic megafirms have concocted to make sure that universities are chock full of administrators. Every single employee at our humble university–professors, TAs, work studies, grounds crews, administrative assistants—was herded in waves into our sex and crime “training” where some administrators with minimal competence told us outlandish stories about how if we failed to report the theft of a pencil all of our NSF grants would be frozen and the University would be fined millions of dollars. Bullshit. Penn State covered up child rape for decades, and their grants were not pulled. Nor should they have been. The coverup of child rape wasn’t the fault of professors who got NSF grants, it was the fault of the Athletic Department, the campus cops, and the upper administration. But, the outlandish claims made by our “Chief Clery Compliance Officer” fit the MO of deanlets and deanlings—they fuck things up, then blame it on the professors. Every single instance of the mishandling of crime on campus has taken place because of administrators not doing their job–Clery’s terrible example included.
We were told it is our job to report crimes we witness (well, duh, I guess, but in my 30 years in higher education the only “crimes” I’ve witnessed are underage drinking and marijuana smoking). But, in our 1.5 hour training session we were “educated” by a campus cop (who probably had a high school education) about the nature of crimes like murder, burglary, robbery, rape, and even incest—complete with a power point explaining each, including incest, just in case we didn’t know and happened to see some incest occurring near the copy machine or something.
We were also told how crimes on our perimeter didn’t have to be reported under “Clery”, so the three murders and two suspicious deaths that have happened in the thirteen years I’ve been here are not reported–because they happened “off campus.” Wow. I’m so glad we have a full blown “Clery Compliance Office” with six figure administrators and more staff than we have for our PhD granting academic department. And, of course, we were told that if there is a sexual assault in the athletics department or a fraternity, it could be handled “administratively” instead of through the real cops. Great. I’m so glad you wasted two hours of time from every single employee of the university. Better yet, all of this training will also go to the students in an online bullshit format contracted with Haven, a parasitic firm who along with others have been lobbying Congress and state legislatures to deal with the increasing problem of sexual assault and crime on campus….
Only crime and sexual assault on campus are declining, not increasing, and their bullshit products will have no effect beyond the continuing trend of decreasing crime in modern societies.