Making the Marginal the Fringe: Why Sectarian Christianity Should Crawl Under a Rock

Ah, poor Michele Bachmann. If only I knew her when we lived in Tulsa together. Now, it’s becoming increasingly evident that she’s an unhinged religious nutjob with a closet case husband. At least Sarah Palin’s husband is banging trailer bunnies on the snowmobile trails; Bachmann’s beard is blowing and “disciplining”  young Christian men who want to pray away the gay. You hate to be unkind and stereotypical, but Jesus Fuck! The dude can’t even hide his lisp! Shit, speech therapy works, “reparative therapy” doesn’t.

Better yet, we’re finally seeing just a little teensy bit of criticism of sectarian exclusivism!!!! Wow, so you’re Wisconsin “Evangelical” Lutheran Synod? So, you mean, you think the Pope is the Anti-Christ? It’s a bit funny that we’re only seeing this for Bachmann because WELS is so clear on their doctrine–and that it explicitly cuts out the largest Christian grouping in the US–the Catholics. Never mind that Sarah Palin’s Assembly of God contends that only through the baptism with the holy spirit, made evident by speaking in tongues (no, glossolalia not cunnilingus) can someone avoid eternal torture and achieve mansions in heaven. You see anyone questioning the idiocy of that shit? I’d like to see a more serious take on that magic underwear shit as well. What, you get to simply say “I’m Mormon” and not explain what the fuck kind of weird ass shit you believe–but you get to be president?  No, there shouldn’t be a religious test for office, but you should be required to truthfully say what you believe. Do you believe my kids are going to be tortured by your sadomasochistic gods?  You really think that your gods are going to help the country out of recession? Lead us to victory in the war against Islam? Demand that education be defunded, and that contraception be made illegal?

By definition, sectarian religious groups hold these exclusivist beliefs. Adherents of these faiths constitute about 30% of American citizens. And, all sectarians believe that they have exclusive access to heaven, and everyone else will be relegated to the Great Gitmo Below. And, it isn’t just that 25% of Americans who aren’t Christian who will receive eternal torture—Sectarians also believe that ALL other Christians deserve torture! Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann each believe the other is going to hell. Normal Americans need to make this a serious issue. If you are so fucking clueless and blinkered by primitive religion, you don’t deserve a voice on the public square. You are a minority, and you should be. You like that. Your rewards are in heaven. But, here in this world, the rest of us have a nation and a planet to try to save. Your Jesus will save you, eh? So go crawl back under a fucking rock.

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